The Birth-Day of Mr Jo-Nes
by DinoDina
Summary: It's Ianto's birthday, and Jack has a surprise for him! As they are Torchwood, it doesn't go as planned. Janto (slash), mentions of sex (come on, Jack is in this!).


**Author's note: Wow! My first_ Torchwood_ story is posted on Ianto's birthday and it's about Ianto's birthday! That's so creative! I understand that it's not the most creative story, but I couldn't get the image of a Cyberman telling Ianto "Happy birthday" out of my head! That being said, Ianto would have been 31 today!**

**Words in this story: 1419**

"Good morning, Mr. Jones," said a computerized voice when Ianto entered the Hub.

"What?" he mumbled.

"Good morning, Mr. Jones," the voice repeated again. "Happy birthday."

Ianto growled. Jack was going to get it. He had specifically told him not to make such a big deal out of it.

"Happy birthday," the voice had what seemed like a happy tone to it. "Is there anything you want done today?"

Ianto did not trust this computer. The Team had found it during a Rift Spike and Jack had insisted on bringing it home. By "bringing it home", Jack meant that they—_he_ would keep it as a toy. Ianto may not be the most knowledgeable about alien object (or maybe he was, what with how much time he spent in the Archives), but he was sure that you do not bring home alien computers as "toys".

Right around now, Ianto supposed, Jack would jump out and give him presents. But nothing of the sort happened.

The computer was metal (duh) and had a large red screen. What the computer was saying was shown on the screen in fluorescent green. The brightness was starting to irritate Ianto, but he tried not to show it _too_ much. Nevertheless, a very pronounced frown was on his face.

"Jack!" he called, and the name reverberated on the Hub's walls.

There was no answer. That wasn't anything new, as Jack ofter chose the most inconvenient times to disappear. However, if he _was_ in the Hub and didn't answer Ianto's call, something must have been up.

"Tosh!" he tried calling for Torchwood's tech wiz, but received no answer.

Checking Tosh's workstation to make sure she wasn't there, dead to the world and working on a problem, and finding nothing, Ianto looked at the computer again.

It was now that he noticed that the computer was floating.

_Well_, he thought. _I am in a relationship with Captain Jack Harkness—maybe I've finally gone insane_.

But he wasn't. Yet (we'll talk about that later).

"Owen!" he tried.

If Owen was there and okay, Ianto was going to get laughed at. But Owen, like Tosh and Jack, wasn't there.

"Fuck," Ianto muttered. "Gwen!"

Again, this roll call proved that Ianto was alone in the Hub.

"Is there anything you require, Mr. Jones?" the computer asked.

"Quiet," Ianto sighed.

The computer's constant whirring was getting annoying and on his nerves. Wait? Whirring? What whirring?

There was absolute silence. Ianto turned around and saw that Tosh's usually humming and glowing computers were black and silent.

"Shit," he whispered.

In green letters, the computer screen showed, "Successfully got rid of noise. Further instructions?"

Tosh wasn't going to be happy. Unless. . .

"Undo," he told the computer.

To his surprise (who are we kidding, he wasn't surprised), Tosh's workstation started working again.

"Thanks you," he breathed, to the computer, God, luck, Jack, or the Doctor (he didn't know).

"Anything else, Mr. Jones?" the computer said eagerly.

"Where is the Team?" Ianto asked suspiciously, not knowing what the computer could do.

"Do you mean the people that were in here before?" Ianto nodded. "They were pests. They got in the way. They aren't in the way anymore."

Ianto turned wary. The computer sounded hostile, feral, and mad, and he didn't like it.

"Where are they?" he asked.

"Out of the way," the computer repeated, its screen brighter.

"Okay," Ianto said. "What about Myfanwy?"

"Fed," the computer said, sounding like it did when Ianto had gotten to the Hub.

"Okay," Ianto said under his breath.

"Is there anything else you require, Mr. Jones?" the computer asked again.

Ianto had to bite back a groan of frustration. The computer was beginning to get very annoying. On his scale of "annoyingness", it was at about the level of a semi-horny Jack.

"No, thank you," he said politely, using the tone that one would use when talking to Yvonne Hartman.

"Alright, Mr. Jones," the computer said.

It didn't move from its position in front of the door to Jack's office. Ianto looked at it.

"Mr. Jones?" the computer would have frowned if it could.

"Let me through, please," he said.

"I can't do that, sir," the computer said threateningly.

Ianto took a step back and put his hand on the gun Jack insisted he have on his person at all times. Not that he thought it would do much against a (for some reason) hostile computer.

"Why not?" Ianto asked as he backed up.

"It is not safe for you, Mr. Jones," the computer was pleading and commanding at the same time.

"Why not?" Ianto repeated.

"You could be harmed by them," the computer explained.

"Who?" Ianto asked.

"Harkness, Sato, Cooper-Williams, Harper," the computer sounded like it was reading off of something. "They are a danger to you, sir."

"No, they're not," he said calmly. "They're my friends."

"No, Mr. Jones," the computer said. "They are a danger. They will be eliminated."

Ianto shivered. This was like Canary Wharf. The Cybermen, the Daleks. Two artificial species who needed to eliminate ("delete", "upgrade", "exterminate") others.

"Let me though," he said.

"No," the computer was apologetic.

"Can you shut off?" Ianto asked.

"Of course, Mr. Jones," the computer sounded nice again, as if someone had flipped a switch.

"Shut off, then," Ianto said.

The computer's screen flashed bright orange, then, with a loud whine, it went dark blue. As far as Ianto knew, it was turned off.

When he entered Jack's office, he noticed that the lights were off. Papers from Jack's desk were all over the floor, as was Jack's chair. Ianto sighed. Another mess for him to clean up.

He looked around and noticed something sticking out from behind the desk. Ianto cautiously walked up to it. He relaxed when he saw that it was Jack's leg (still attached to the body).

Jack, like the three people around him, was tied up with wires. His face lit up when he saw Ianto.

"Ianto!" he cried.

Rather, he would have cried had he not been gagged. What came out was more like a mumble.

With a smile, Ianto bent down an got to work on untying Tosh.

"She'll do better at helping me untie everyone than you," he said when he noticed Jack's indignant glare.

Ianto saw something like resignation in Jack's face, so he continued as he was.

Tosh was untied eight minuted later (Ianto timed himself).

"Thanks," she breathed, as she got to work on Owen.

When Gwen was freed as well, Ianto walked up to Jack. They didn't notice that Tosh, Owen, and Gwen snuck out (presumably for lunch) and put the floating and sleeping computer in the cells.

When Jack was out of the restraints, Ianto followed him to the couch in the middle of the Hub.

"Ianto, I know what you're going to say," Jack started. "And I'm sorry."

"What was supposed to happen?" Ianto asked with a smirk. "Or was the mess and you being taken hostage done on purpose?"

"Of course not!" Jack cried. "You are _sexy_ when you smirk."

"So you say," Ianto noticed Jack almost drooling. "On topic, Jack."

"Sorry," Jack said.

"So what was supposed to happen?" Ianto asked again when it seemed that Jack was only going to stare at his face.

"It was supposed to make your life safe," Jack mumbled.

"How?" Ianto wondered.

"It was supposed to get rid of people who were a danger to you," Jack sounded sheepish.

"Jack," Ianto sighed. "I work for Torchwood. Most things are a danger to me."

"I know," Jack said. "I just wanted to make life a little safer for you."

"Thanks," Ianto smiled and leaned into Jack's embrace. "What was it?"

"It was a computer," Jack said. "They were created in the 50th century to destroy the enemies of politicians. They were cold and calculating like computers, and strong like bodyguards."

"It sounded like. . . like the Daleks and Cybermen," Ianto said quietly.

Jack gulped. He hadn't thought of that. "I'm sorry."

"Stop that," Ianto laughed. "You sound like the Doctor."

"Okay," Jack agreed. "I am sorry, though. That your birthday didn't work out like I wanted it to."

"We don't need gifts to celebrate."

Jack dragged Ianto to his office before one could say, "Safe sex."

**Yup. Please review if you have time. If anyone was wondering how Ianto and the Doctor know each other. . . let's just say "Stolen Earth"/"Journey's End". If you didn't get this before, "Reset"/"Exit Wounds"/"Day Four" happened differently. P. S. The computer sounds like a cross between a Dalek and Cyberman.  
**


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